I #laugh because I must not #cry, that is all.

I actually cannot cry because apparently migraines do not like that sort of release of emotion and punish you with a migraine. It is exceptionally rude. I can sort of weep gently though. Which I tend to avoid because if I start I won't stop. 

I sometimes think I laugh just to mask the pain. From myself. From others. So I won't release it. Not that laughter is not good medicine. Not that it does not help us function and mask the pain in the workplace or social functions. Not that it does not psychologically make us feel better. Laughter does a lot of wonderful things to the brain that help us. So seeking out laughter helps with pain in that sense. 

Other times though I fight with the intensity of suffering. I am like full to the very brim of suffering. I feel like I could crack open at any moment and just break down it is so hard to take. And I can't do that to function. I can't move forward that way. I must not cry. So I laugh and mask the pain, the suffering and carry on.

I wonder at what point it us unhealthy to mask the pain. And i wonder because I have been at that point before... and of course, because the stubborn person I am, I continued to mask the pain. It is a skill we seem to master and not led go of that easily. So clearly there is a point when we have to drop the mask, put on our serious faces, expose the pain and say 'Yeah, this pain deal is totally not working for me'.

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