I don't mean this to sound hopeless but in a way it is because no matter how much you try, or even what you try, there will be pain. So in that sense it is all about treading water, which as we all know is damned draining. And yes, we all put the effort in to make changes... we swim in a direction and we hope for all it is worth we will hit land... land is like this fiction though. This place that exists with no pain. Or less pain. Never seen it. But heard about it. So we aim for it, just never get there. And then sometimes... just can't swim. Just have to try and not drown.
And right now? Just trying not to drown. Working is exhausting. It takes a lot of pain tolerance to get through work. And no matter all the things I know I could do to cope better, too damn tired for anything but to get through the day. But I am still treading water. Not drowning. And that is something.