The Look of #Doubt


I was thinking about my self-worth and my self-care. I am told both are not so great. However, I have been in this pain game a very long time and part of how I behave has been conditioned into me.

Is it really my fault I tend to brush off my pain when I had doctors flat out say FM didn't exist or were not willing to treat it for over a decade? Who gave me that Look... that one of doubt. Of flat out denial. That my pain was insignificant to them. So I knew not to really get into it. To understate it so they would not think I was 'exaggerating' or 'complaining' or 'drug-seeking'.

So I lived a long time just enduring the pain. Understating it. Just getting by by not doing the things that would aggravate it. Not work jobs I knew I could not handle... by actually trying those jobs and finding out the hard way that definitely could not work them. I adapted. I coped. But their indifference had a toll on me. I rarely discussed my pain with others. Because I felt embarrassed by it. Like I should be strong enough to endure it in silence. Like it should not have an affect on me.

When the chronic migraines came along doctor did treat the migraines. Hell they threw a number of preventatives and triptans my way. Because they understood the concept of a migraine. Not so much chronic migraines, but they knew enough to send me to neuros. But by then I had been programmed. Don't complain. Understate the pain. Push through it. Endure. Don't talk about it. And my coping strategies, that worked with FM, didn't work with chronic migraines on top because the pain load was too intense. But I wouldn't admit to it. And I was a t risk for depression, just as I was when I had problems coping with FM in the early days. I certainly wasn't going to say that to a doctor because the response I had to that when I was younger was that everything was depression and screw my other symptoms (this was about 2 years prior to my FM diagnosis).

So now I have an issue that likely is giving me problems. You see, I don't like to make a fuss. Ever. Having chest pains? Don't want to make a fuss about it and have someone call 911 or drive me to the ER. Not when it is likely triptan side effects. Having suicidal thoughts? Not going to wake my spouse up because he needs to sleep. Hard time coping with a status migraine? Not going to make a fuss and go to the ER for treatment. It takes a lot of time and my spouse would have to miss work.

Apparently this reflects upon my self-worth. I am not too sure. I think it reflects upon this idea that my health is not important and if I go to the doctor, ER for something that turns out to be insignificant I will get the Look. So I wait to see if I deem it to be important enough. But maybe I don't want to bother anyone because I don't think i am important enough to bother them with my problems.
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