I think chronic illness has made me struggle with meaning for a very, very long time. Just when I think I have something meaningful it is something I have to compromise away. It is very hard for the center to hold. To have this sense of self that is stable. In a sense our health can frequently change and this can cause havoc in our lives. Stresses and changes. Financial strains. Complications. Obstacles. We have to re-create our identity when we have to make massive life changes like things that affect our capacity to work. And sometimes we resist this. Sometimes we struggle with it.
I certainly struggle with it. To the point it all feels meaningless at times. It is rather all or nothing thinking we are supposed to avoid. If I cannot do this, then I am worth nothing. Well, bull. Meaning is created in many different ways. If I cannot do one thing I have to replace it with other meaningful things. I have to re-create my identity.
That 'darkness of mere being' is to be really avoided. We have to have a sense of value, worth, meaning, purpose, identity... moving towards goals of some sort. I hope to find that core meaning in the darkness of mere being once again. Give me that sense of inner stability.