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My #judgement on myself has to Go


This poster is really the form of negativity my brain can get behind but I am trying to avoid. Yet at the same time chronic illness and chronic pain automatically puts you at a disadvantage in so many ways. I want to say I am still worthwhile and I can contribute in my own ways. Because I can. Still, it is less that I think I should because like people judge me, I judge myself.

I had this psychologist that said something very elitist to me once but I wonder if it is the issue I have. He said intelligent people often have a difficult time coping with the loss of their capacity to have a career. Rather I believe we all do. I believe we all struggle with self-worth after we are unable to work in the field we could before or just struggle to work full-time at all. However, maybe there is something to the fact that I judge myself more for it. I achieved this higher education and for what? Nothing. Except the debt load of course. And I had ambitions but my illness no longer allows ambitions. And I had specific career goals but my illness does not allow those goals.

And we make compromises for our health, which we Should. It is the right thing to do. It is good for us. it reduces stress. it gives us somewhat of a life back instead of exceeding our limits every day and increasing our pain load. And yet these compromises seem like failures for some idiotic reason I cannot comprehend. It is a compromise that had to be made, was grudgingly made, yes, but made for my own wellbeing... and yet I view it as a failure. In myself, not my body. And it diminishes my self-worth.

I must cling to an ideal of 'what I could have been' that I know is unhealthy to do. There is only now. There is only the healthy, productive way to live now that meets our needs and doesn't exceed our limits. The ideal 'if my health were perfect' is this fantasy. And to judge myself based on it all the time is cruel to myself.

I am trying to do my assignment for my psychologist about ways I am worthwhile and able to contribute in other ways. I had 4 in session. But I need more as homework. And I got nothing, man, nothing. My brain goes to the negative like it lives there. Why I have no worth? I can make you a list so fast it would spin your head. But worthwhile and can contribute in other ways? I don't know.

It is damn hard. You try it out. I'm human and I contribute in other ways...
 Here are mine for example:
  • I am a loyal, trustworthy, funny spouse
  • I am an influence and advocate through my blog, migraine board and Pages.
  • my creativity is a passion of my and I contribute books.
  • as a friend I am loyal, supportive, protective and a good listener.
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