The pain levels this month have been quite high. With hormonal migraine stretches and status migraine stretches and just plain high pain days, with fibro flares. And in waltzes the darker emotions. Leading to those thoughts that are very much darker, emptier and simpler.
They say to me how is it even possible you can return to work Like This? When you can barely get through the day as it is? And I think, I don't have an answer for that. Because getting through that pain level is extremely hard for me mentally and emotionally. I have to monitor my thoughts and emotions. Make sure everything is under control. And even at my best I think will this last forever? When will it end? Can I hold on that long? I must, I must, I must.
But I know if I was working there would be dark suicidal ideation saying to me you can't work, you can't not work. What is this madness? What is this horrific game you play? Why do you have to torment yourself and who makes these rules? That you have to suffer like this? I try to fight it with reason but is it in fact reasonable that someone has to suffer more just to work when they can barely function? It does seem like madness. It does seem like a game I am forced to play for the benefit of others. Like 'look what a success story we got her to work!' All I get is mindless pain.
And with the pain I feel now... I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to play that game again. I don't want that madness. But they say, it will just be part time. It will be less stressful. But it will be just as stressful. A 9 migraine does not wait until I am off. A status migraine doesn't stop for work days.
I get tired fighting these thoughts all the time. And the stress of it all. Right now the financial strain I am under because of insurance companies debating my long term disability. The fear when I go back to work I will have serious issues because I am still depressed. The pain seems to just rule my days and nights at this point. It is scary to add to that.