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Showing posts from May, 2015

June is #migraine Awareness Month #MHAM

June is the beginning of migraine awareness month. During the month there is a blog challenge that I participate in every year that I will begin to post on.  ( awareness link)

Blog challenge if you want to join is HERE. It is not just for a blogging challenge either as they have Twitter events and a photo challenge as well. Great ways to participate in migraine awareness.

#Poem: Brain Haze

Brain Haze
Lost my mind today Pain distorting reality Brain beginning to fray There goes my functionality
Pain distorting reality How to comprehend? There goes my functionality Brain haze descending

How to comprehend? Brain beginning to fray Brain haze descending Lost my mind today
This is a poem I wrote about brain fog which is an issue for fibromylagia, migrainesand chronic pain. In fact it seems to be one of those symptoms that comes along with a lot of chronic illness. I suspect due to sleep issues and fatigue. Some of the things we can do about it in fact are to get good quality, regular sleep... easier said than done. Keeping regular routines because habits help us remember things. Staying organized and in that line of thinking using methods that assist us with organization such as writing things on a calender, using apps on a phone and whatever else assists us. Also eating regular meals can also help with mental fatigue.

It is not always easy to manage though. Just seems like thoughts and w…

#Playing and #paying

In many ways reality and I are not well suited for each other. This reality is too loud, too bright, too full of odors... and my brain loathes it in its entirety. It grates on my oversensitive nerves and spikes up migraine after migraine after migraine.

And you think maybe if you just avoided stress. Took it a little easier. But this world does not allow that. You must be absorb into its fast paced society or you are a liability. But I cannot keep up and I just get worse and sicker.

It makes me crave silence and solitude. Something to sooth my cracked soul. I need a deprivation chamber to soak myself into every day just to give my brain a rest.

It is such a contradiction. I want to go a play with the other children, but I cannot handle their games. I need to retreat and hide to feel better. If you play, you pay and pay and pay.

Had a #Sick day

I have had a rough few days off. I have been just right sick. Nauseated. Vertigo. Have not really been able to eat and somehow managed to lose five pounds in the process, but since I have been rather ill I suppose that is not that surprising.

I missed work today and that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I was ill, but because it was the first time I missed work since I have returned. The first time I have missed work with this current manager. Makes me anxious. And I feel guilty about even though I was so ill. Even though I would have had some serious issues working like that... unless there was a bathroom two feet from my office. Hell if I could have just lived in the bathroom all day. Because that is what I did.

I suppose now that it is late and I am now in so much pain due to being so ill all day, I am now upset over it more. It is just a sign of unpleasantness. A sign of non-functioning. A sign of being unable to physically cope with the stresses of work and how they affect my…


I know with chronic pain we are expected to be functional with pain. I remember in the pain 101 class he had talked about how we should not stop living our lives. To a point that is true. We should not stop socializing. Being with people. Doing things we enjoy. Being in the world.

But to a point. To a point.

Beyond that point there is something horrifying in that word functional. It says I have to repress all this pain, smile and try to just push through it while trying to work. It is a cruelty. It is a torment. For all the good things there are about work. For all the enjoyment I take from from doing it, I cannot seem to get past the cruelty of having to try and function under the increased intensity of pain.

I think the primary reason is is that because it exceeds my pain tolerance. So I lose my capacity to live other aspects of my life. To socialize. Being with people. Doing things I enjoyed. Being in the world. It all shrinks to getting through the pain. That seems wrong to me. S…

#Painful #consciousness

I know there is no coming to consciousness without pain. We all have pain in our lives. But I would say for me there is no consciousness without pain. I am conscious. And therefore I am in pain.

I have not blogged for a few days and that is in fact because I am in a crapton of pain. This whole working thing is just... significant. It is not just that it is triggering my vertigo, which it sure the hell is. It is amplifying and extending every migraine. This current one is two days in a row of upper level 8 to 9 level pain. I have been physically ill with it. Unable to really even eat. I thought I was getting sick, but, no, just a horrific migraine. There is not an inch of space from the neck up that does not hurt like hell at this point. I have tried my triptan. Failed. Painkillers... not remotely strong enough. So I suffer.

A abhor people who diminish the significance of this pain. Like the insurance company that cleared me for work when I had not improved at all. Those sorts of peop…

#‎May12BlogBomb #Fibromyalgia Awareness Day post

I have had Fibromyalgia, officially, since I was in my early 20's and I just turned 38.

Our Theme for the BlogBomb this year is: "A Vision for the Future!" Perhaps the angle of how your future would look if you were free of illness from tomorrow 

If I were free from illness tomorrow: I would continue to work, but I would work pain free without the additional concentration problems. I would then begin to let my ambitions have a role in my life again. I would plot where I wanted to be in five years. Where my career could take me. I even know what that goal would be. Then I would begin to take classes I know would help me achieve this goal in five years, or less. I would also begin to save money for a awesome vacation. One I could never do before. With a lot of sunlight. Lots of activity. Maybe going to Mexico to look at the Mayan temples.On my days off from work I would make time to socialize with friends, go out and do things and Still get my housekeeping done.

A vision of…

Out of the depths

People who overcame things in their lives have a depth to them over people who have never struggled at all, or very little.

But for some of us I wonder do we ever find our way 'out of those depths'? When our pain is consistent suffering? Consistent struggle?

I have in the past described chronic pain, chronic migraines in particular like being in an ocean far from land. Almost drowning at every moment as the waves surge against you. You just struggle not to drown. Sometimes you may want to give up and just drown. But you keep struggling to stay above water.  Sometimes you swim because you are sure there must be a shore out there somewhere, but you never find it. But you hope. But mostly you try to keep your head above water; neither drowning nor saved but in some sort of limbo hell. We are immersed in the depths so far there is no other side to see.

I am sure if there was an end to this tunnel, coming out the other side we would have one hell of a story to tell. But we are he…

#May12th #fibromyalgia Awareness day

There has not been very many interactive raise awareness events that I have seen. No blogging events of that sort of nature. However, here are some links to check out. Two webinars which are always good to check out... we can never usually catch talks by these people so it is great to have a chance to hear them talk.If I hear of anything else I will add it. Let me know if you have heard of anything as well.

may12th.awareness on Facebook  to check out events from around the work including light up the night Awareness day check out this FM site for awareness event ideas."Topical BioMedics is hosting its free monthly pain management webinar on Tuesday, May 12th, focusing on the topic “What You need to Know about Fibromyalgia.” The webinar will be streamed live from 12pm to 1pm, then archived and accessible on demand 24/7".: ( International Awareness Day Educational Event ME/CFS and FM. Speakers R…

Emotional wellbeing, good days and bad

Here is to being authentic. Actually I take pride in that trait and value it in others as well.

However, when I read this quote I thought about chronic illness and the way at times when I am in just the right frame of mind I can frame my struggle in a positive manner. Then things like 'overcome' and 'endure' and 'transform' and being 'greater than my suffering' are all things that can come to mind. Along with perserverance and patience.

Because we have positive coping traits. We can talk about all these characteristics of how we cope with illness that are positive in some way or another. The illness itself is not enjoyable, but we have adapted in certain ways, that are in fact positive. On these days I feel like I have made some sort of progress or achieved some sort of balance. I feel in a good place, despite my pain. I feel like pain is not stealing my life from me. I can look objectively at my life and actually see what I should be grateful for. I c…

Vertigo trip

The last couple of days I have had bouts of moderate to severe migraine associated vertigo at work. It disturbs me because if it gets worse, well, then it will be triggered by driving and then prevent me from driving.

As it is I cannot determine the trigger right now. Could be the drive to work. Or it could be the hormonal migraines right now, which are the most severe of migraines and tend to have volatile and violent symptoms as well as all day migraines. If it is the hormonal migraines, I believe it is not an issue because only a small section of the month with the potential for a problem. If it is the motion trigger, that could become a serious issue. The medication I am on, Sebelium, which is a calcium channel blocker is what is currently presently every day vertigo and severe long lasting bouts of it. I am aware medication can and does stop working whenever it pleases, but I have not been on it that long.

This vertigo is very unpleasant though. It is a combination of drop attac…

tired of the pain today

I've had a couple a really bad, exhausting pain days. Reminds me how difficult it is to work through to be honest. Not that I needed the reminder. I just hope it is not something that will be the status quo and just a bad stretch.

I find it extremely difficult to do my physio and exercise while working. I always have. There is just so much pain tolerance. Just so much energy. The fatigue really gets to me by the end of the day. By then the migraine is also in full swing. When I was not working I exercised Prior to the migraine starting.

The meditation helps though. Partly it just helps relax me and that I need. But also it seems to loosen the pain up a bit.

Still when I think of all the years before retirement... I am so very tired of it all. That is a hell of a lot of pain. What a raw deal people with chronic pain get, eh? I get all the things we have to do to help cope with it. I get that it will never go away. Yada, yada, yada. But... it sucks balls that this is the case reall…

Maintaining consistency... is a good goal to have

Don't take this as pity, but fact. Chronic illness has taught me to really decrease my ambition and I am the sort that creates goals and has ambitions. A person at work asked me about my career goals and I told him flat out after coming back from a long term leave of absence I was looking forward to some employment consistency. As in maintaining. If I can maintain, I will be content.

Because I am really not allowed to have aspirations for more than that. It would be complicated. It would require further study. It would mean more stress. Stress means strain on the body. Strain on the body and stress means more pain. Lack of balance could mean a lot more pain. And a lot of time to get any sense of stability back... if ever. The last thing I want to do is rock the boat at all. But of course I have ideas of where I want to be in five years. Of course I would normally want to make progress. But, not in this body. In this body, I want to maintain.

Part of me loathes this. I had such dr…