Skip to main content

Switching from Full-time to Part-time... good choice, hard choice

I am returning to work after having been on leave since August 2015. Starting next Monday. Normally this would cause me a great deal of worry. How can I cope when I have not been able to cope with the pain of full time in the past? And how can I handle it mentally and emotionally long term when I am just pushing through the pain every day? What happens to the exercise routine I am supposed to be doing? What happens to the little bit of a social life I have? As per usual all that disappears. It is just work and the pain and nothing else is possible. It is more status migraines. It is missed work. It is guilt. And stress.

I know this.

I have experienced it over and over again.

Not this time my friends. This migraineur with chronic pain has finally learned her lesson. Learned her limits. The limit, the Wall, is below full-time. It is a threshold I cannot cross right now and maybe never will be able to again. We never can know what treatments will come in the future and my response to them. All we can do is act on the facts right now.

So a part time roll it is. Stepping back from my career, which clearly I was having issues with and instead doing a job I should be able to maintain. A one day on, day off alternating cycle.

This is not an easy choice. My brain tells me constantly that I am more than capable of working my old job. That I am more than capable of working some of the jobs I found when I was looking. And I am. Intellectually. I simply am not physically. Not pain wise. Fatigue wise. Brainfog wise, even that complicates things for us. So there is this discord. I feel like I can. I want to. But I can't.

Secondly, I have little ambition any more but I wanted that career. I wanted some career goals and to hold onto that progression. To have at least some ambition left to me. It is hard to just accept I need to just to a job. Do something I am capable of, but won't make me much money and will not get me anywhere fast.

Third, satisfaction. I want a job I can sink my teeth into and is going to be interesting. The job I had was at least in some sense interesting on a daily basis. By no means hard. But it was what I settled for when my pain got worse. And I liked it. I enjoyed it enough that it kept me interested. The job I will have is not interesting in the least bit. Reminds me of a job I would have had as a summer job. Once I am trained there will be no more interesting facets to it.

Forth, money. I will not be making. It means compromises financially for my health that I have had to make in order for it to even be the least bit feasible I could work part time. That is tricky. By no means easy.

So there is difficulty.

What you gain though?

  • Less stress
  • more down time to recover
  • not pushing through the pain
  • staying within my limits
Let the experiment begin!
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Signs the pain is getting the best of you

100 Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

There was a site that had this and I had linked to it on Tumblr but it is gone. So I had to hunt down someone who found my post and posted the whole thing in a forum. Anyway it is around but I'm posting it here so I will not have to hunt it down to reference it. Now we all know the major symptoms are the wide-spread pain, but our pain isn't just muscle pain... it can be nerve types of pain as well, and the fatigue and the insomnia. And even among symptoms there are some far more frequent than others, but it should be said we have categories... like the cognitive dysfunction, which is a broad one that has more than one symptom and we often just say fibrofog. The insomnia... more than one sleeping disorder. So the list is interesting.

__ Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
__ Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
__ Recurrent flu-like illness
__ Sore throat
__ Hoarseness
__ Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especiall…

When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say 'not bad', because I feel it is slightly more honest than 'good' or 'fine'. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons. 

I'm having a good pain day: They happen and I'll say that I'm good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things... in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it. I just don't want to explain: I just don't want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is a FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM…