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Truth or an illusion they could bear to live with.



Communicating about our pain is important. They say. I'm told I should do it more. Due to the fact the higher my pain gets the more silent I get. And at more 'moderate' pain levels I try to essentially use humor to minimize the pain. You get how this can be confusing to others.

Here is a quote that sums it up for me when it comes to people in general "When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with."

Because it was not just the pain, even if that person could comprehend the pain. And it is a stretch to think most people could. Unless they had their own chronic pain. It was the intensity for sure.The different types of pain. But it was also the years and decades of it that I had lived through that had taken a toll. The years and decades to come. The immense fatigue that weighted me down. The brainfog that took my concentration.

Then there was the suffering. I can't talk about the suffering. It is that response to pain, ongoing, endless pain that has gone on for a couple decades and is never going away suffering. Suffering that adjusted into depression. Suffering that was deep and difficult. And words failed me. If I even tried to express it... the real weight of it, I would feel that heavy pit in my stomach and a surge of emotion to the point of tears brimming and overwhelming suffering would surge in me. Obviously the suffering has been what I have been working on. Nevertheless I never feel the need to share all that.

I like sharing the top level. The facts. Because that is the level I am comfortable with.

It is also that I think people do not want to know the true depths or even how it really is going. They want the illusion. They want things are going well. Treatment is working. I am doing well. Handling the migraines well. The pain well. They want the story. Not the truth. They can't handle the truth!

While others can but my own reluctance to talk about emotions limits my capacity to discuss them. I am not comfortable with it. Of course I am doing better than I was at coping with the suffering caused by pain. And my medications are helping with that.

We just are aware of the people that just do not want the truth. They want the illusion. And in my case I am fine with providing it. I am that reserved about my health and private in nature it suits me.

It hurts me when it comes to doctors though. They have their preconceived notions about women and pain and there I am underestimating my pain.
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