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Lost Days

Today was a lost day. A day where the pain is so high I was unable to function. I could not leave the house. I could not run errands or do chores. I was just unable.

There was a time in my life when lost days made me feel guilty. Guilty at the lack of productivity. That this time was stolen from me and I'd never get it back. All the things I could not accomplish in that time. Missed work days in particular are hash. Today, thankfully, was a day off. Which I appreciate a great deal because lost days of work are still hard to handle for me. When other people depend on me. When it isn't just me I am letting down. But the guilt has subsided over the years nevertheless because I realize on these days, I must take care of myself. I have to manage my pain and engage in self care. Guilt is fundamentally useless. It is not my fault the pain exceeds my capacity to cope with it at times. It is just part of what chronic pain is. I just have to take the down time.

Even now as I write this, I am just engaging in some pain distraction. It is difficult to deal with it right now and just trying to find something to distract my brain. Which on high pain days is actually pretty impossible.

On lost days when the pain is too high to function what do you do? I can tell you this, I can't do much.

So I:

  • Binge on Netflix. Today was Daredevil.
  • Just watch TV, although it is mind numbing.
  • Throw in a movie.
  • Read a fluff book. That is a book with a simplistic plot and so easy to follow it takes very little actual brain power. Like a romance. And if I am not in the mood for that, then a book I have read several times over so I know the plot, and can't miss any details due to pain.
  • Just rest. Nap.
  • Manage pain with meditation. With migraine pain, such as today; ice, migraine balm, medications.
It can be particularly difficult when the pain peaks. With migraine pain I just want silence and darkness. And to try and nap, but I never succeed with the pain so very consuming. This migraine has been going on for days and gaining strength as it does. I was useless today as a result.

There will be days like these. When the pain is so high it is like an itch you cannot scratch in your brain. Ever gnawing on your senses for attention. Stealing all your attention from anything else. Grating on every nerve. You just want to know when it will end, but it just keeps going. But... it will end. The high pain will ease back into tolerable, more normal levels. Or at least not so heightened. It feels endless when trapped within it. And it can last so very long but it will subside.

There was a time when pain like this would last days and I would go to the ER. I am well beyond believing that will do anything. They don't treat it. They don't believe it matters. But pain does matter. Pain should be treated seriously. And if your pain does not subside you should demand treatment. I know in my case, I ought to go to an ER in the city when that happens knowing the local one hasn't the experience to deal with the type of pain I have and simply doesn't care. How many lost days are we to have? Lost to the pain. Hazed out of life. Just waiting, hoping, praying for it to subside because no one cares?

I hope this pain subsides tonight. It would be unbearable to work like this. However, today was a non-triptan day so I have a small hope a triptan will do something tomorrow. It didn't work earlier in the week, so I suspect I am in for the long haul, but I can hope.
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