Skip to main content

In limbo



06-1
I am in a limbo of pain and depression. This place where I want to lay down and just not. Just Not. Every feel like you want to sleep for a thousand years? Yes. Or just not exist. Or aware you exist. Just want it to stop spinning… stop thinking. Stop doing.
I am in a funk still with the pain and the depression. I am stressed. And I think I need to go on a leave from work soon. Just don’t know if my spouse wants that. But it has to be soon. I keep tearing up unexpectedly when I think about the pain or about work. I keep getting surges of sadness and despair. Hopelessness. I feel like he doesn’t want me to go on a leave. It is making me distraught with me choices. I feel unstable.
I am tired of fighting and yet I will have to fight the insurance company. Go though all that hell again.Feels so useless with the way they look at my disability.
It would be nice if I could just Be for a bit. Just be in pain and rest. Without having to work. Without any stresses. Just be. Then maybe I could get a handle on these overly sensitive emotions I am having. This despair and hopelessness.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Signs the pain is getting the best of you

100 Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

There was a site that had this and I had linked to it on Tumblr but it is gone. So I had to hunt down someone who found my post and posted the whole thing in a forum. Anyway it is around but I'm posting it here so I will not have to hunt it down to reference it. Now we all know the major symptoms are the wide-spread pain, but our pain isn't just muscle pain... it can be nerve types of pain as well, and the fatigue and the insomnia. And even among symptoms there are some far more frequent than others, but it should be said we have categories... like the cognitive dysfunction, which is a broad one that has more than one symptom and we often just say fibrofog. The insomnia... more than one sleeping disorder. So the list is interesting.




GENERAL
__ Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
__ Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
__ Recurrent flu-like illness
__ Sore throat
__ Hoarseness
__ Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especiall…

When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say 'not bad', because I feel it is slightly more honest than 'good' or 'fine'. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons. 



I'm having a good pain day: They happen and I'll say that I'm good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things... in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it. I just don't want to explain: I just don't want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is a FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM…