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Day 14: HAWMC : rant it out

Case of the Mondays.Write about something that gets you down, burns you out, or makes you sad.Purge it in a blog post. Turn it around at the end and tell Tuesday why you’re ready for it.

Pain makes me sad, well depressed. The more pain the more depressed I am. And the pain has been up there for months.

I have been really worried about my long term disability appeal. I get that I am disabled and I get that I cannot work, as my doctors tell me. But this is proving it to an Insurance company and that is like a toss up. It is so random their decisions. I don't know who their specialist are they consult... it could be a nurse or something and not a specialist at all for all I know. I don't know what proof they need? The lesions on my brain? That should be sufficient really. What about impact on my life? That should count for something. I worry because I am powerless in a decision that is vital to me. They have all the power and their actual job working for an insurance company is to not keep people on disability, get them off of it, not get to many on it. And your life holds by a thread to someone who wants to be within an issuance quota. It scares me so much. I have been getting wicked migraines and not being able to sleep, which makes the migraine worse and the FM worse. The depression gets worse when I think about this and what could go wrong.

I ran out of money because I am not working while I am waiting and things are getting really, really difficult for me at this point. So I am stressing about the house finances every since day. 



 I have no power over these things that are stressing me out. So I have to stop thinking about it and focus on my emotional care, lest that get out of control. I have to focus on my meditation and stress reduction. All I can do is manage my thinking, my pain and moods. When there is a stress you have no power over... just don't think about it.
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The crowded me out of the brain. Making no room for anything else. Distraction was impossible. You feel almost frantic with the pain but must be still.

What do you do? To get through it when you have no distraction?

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