High pain and mood drops

It can't rain forever.png
The correlation between high pain and mood lows is pretty obvious in me. I didn't need to do a statistical analysis and chart it out. It was Every time my Pain is High, like 9 high, my mood drops like -9. (Scale of 10 not 100 or 1000. Just to be clear on that).

I have talked about Paingry when intense pain makes us irritated and angry.
Well, it can also take a mood quite low. When we realize we have nothing that can lower it. No medication that can help. No medication that did help. And we just have to ride the pain out. But it is Intense. 

So I say things like 'It can't rain all the time' and 'this too shall pass like a kidney stone'... because I know it won't last. Nor will the horrible low mood.
But in the Moment. Well. In the moment, the pain feels so much worse because of that depressed mood. All-consuming. And your brain reminds you, always, how the pain will never really end. This pain will, but the PAIN will not, Ever, End. My brain is very dramatic like that. Being gullible I am all yeah, you're right I will always be in pain. No matter what, when this particular pain is over, there is another to follow and another and another. The Neverending story of pain. And I get more depressed by it. How can I handle a future like that? When I barely survived my past with it? 

At this point, you go Stop. STFU. Sometimes I say it out loud. Shut the fuck up, brain.

But put a stop to the thought for they will take the slippery slope down into a pit of despair. So don't allow that. Stop the process. Distract yourself. Turn on some tunes that make you happy. Not angry, depressing ones. The turns that you listen to in a good mood or even a mellow mood.

Now that you have the ambiance in the right mood setting. Write down three things you are grateful for. Write down three things you achieved today. Can be small, minute, but you did them. Like I got out of bed despite the pain. I put away the dishes. That sort of things. Write down three goals you have for tomorrow.

Now that you have thought about some positive things. You can meditate for 20 minutes. I recommend a body scan meditation. 

After that when you are calm, either go to bed. Or do an activity that is relaxing like reading. It is keeping you from thinking. Keeping you occupied and will relax you for sleep.

The mood will be there lingering. But you have taken away its power by not paying explicit attention to it.

Christmas and health-related gift


So for Christmas I got a Migraine! Wait, that is actually the gift that keeps giving all year round. Today, at least, it was a late day migraine so I was pretty free for visiting with my mom, step-father, brother and his girlfriend. And that is good. Any break in the day counts. It is just really unpleasant right at this moment.

And I will say this I got a lot of cool health-related gifts this year which is pretty cool. Things that are going to be quite useful to me and are also very thoughtful.
  • Space heater- I have hypothyroidism and apparently No temperature control. So often I get cold and it is not cold in the house. I wear hoodies. I wrap myself in a heated blanket (last years Christmas present by the way) and I also wear winter fuzzy socks (which I got this year for Christmas as well). But I am always freezing. So my spouse got me a space heater I can bring to any room I am in, mostly the computer room, and just heat that space. It is awesome and what a grand idea.
  • Himalayan salt lamp-  Okay these are suggested for a lot of things but what I am interested in is air quality, allergies, and asthma. And it has been suggested they are good for those specific things. Here is a wee article about that. I actually think they do benefit in this way. I have a wee one for the computer room and it seems to help me in there. I have no idea if they have any other benefits to be honest but, hey, they are aesthetically pleasing with a soft, migraine friendly light so you really cannot go wrong on them. The one I have is red, which is a rather soft light. You just have to make sure you do not get a fake one and also have one that heats up.
  • Magic bag- This is actually a Canadian company so I will explain what it is. On the site, it says "Magic Bags are thermotherapeutic compresses that help with healing and maintaining good health and well-being. 100% natural, it is approved by Health Canada as a medical device. They contain high quality oat grains that have been given a special treatment." They are essentially a heating pad. But they can be used for heat and cold, and are all natural. I use cold for my neck and migraines. My spouse prefers heat for his knees. The package we got for a gift comes with 2; one large one and a smaller one. They are seriously awesome.
  • Pure magnesium oil- Magnesium is beneficial for migraines and fibromyalgia and the oil is actually a great way to get the magnesium. Like Epsom salts. In fact, you can actually add the oil to the bath as well. A way that works if you have issues with digesting it, which I rather do. Not to mention apparently magnesium is a little hard to absorb anyway.
  • The book Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks- which is something I got as a Secret Santa gift. Not really health related per sa, but with migraines with aura, it is a very interesting topic I like to explore. At times I wonder, is it my eyes or my brain. For example, I have visual snow, which was recently found to be neurological; it is hypermetabolism in the right lingual gyrus. But some auras one wonders. I have one where I move my arm and I see about twenty arms after it all in a translucent blue color. Aura? Eyes? Visual snow? Some are obvious, such as vortexes in the sky or arches of scintillations. So far the book is fascinating. TED talk by Oliver Sacks.

So I did well on the health-related gift side of things. And just in general. I think I did fairly well picking out gifts, even though I never have had much of a knack for it. Some people excel at gift giving and some people, like me, are pretty mediocre at it. It is like I have the perfect idea middle of the year and always when I am broke and when it comes to buying have no clue what that awesome idea was. I would write it down but I also have a knack for losing lists. And forgetting to write things down. Anyway, I thought I did decently this year and my spouse helped out as well, which likely helped. It is the thought that counts. I was pretty broke this year so I had to get creative. And seek out some deals. It would have been Better on the Stress side of things had I been approved for my sick leave from work. That would have been rather nice. I do not enjoy the stress at all. I find it amazing how stress makes my usually crappy sleep so erratic it is completely undependable. 2 hours? Sure. Why not? Who needs sleep.

It would have been Better on the Stress side of things had I been approved for my sick leave from work. That would have been rather nice. I do not enjoy the stress at all. I find it amazing how stress makes my usually crappy sleep so erratic it is completely undependable. 2 hours? Sure. Why not? Who needs sleep. I think that is how I managed to get sick while not even going Anywhere, except the doctor's office. Stress, not fun business.

I read this article about suicide and the holidays. I will start by saying Christmas is my favorite holiday. And I will add that apparently, the social and happy aspects of the holiday lower the risk of suicide in others. So in many people, this time of year is a mood boosting affair. You get to see family and friends. You are thinking of family and friends while shopping for them... even if money is tight... anything counts. You get together for a meal and a visit. You are bombarded with happy, sappy movies and happy, sentimental music. The whole affair is a mood boost. And of course, no one wants to commit suicide on the holidays, due to the impact it would have on others. So they found everywhere statistically it was lower, aside from two countries; Australia and Mexico where it was slightly higher. And the day that is highest... is New Years and shortly after. Because... that vast year lying ahead where all those same troubles lay in wait. It seems momentous. Too much to bear. So then it raises significantly. But the idea that the holidays make it worse is actually false, it actually goes down during the Christmas holiday. Maybe that is why I like the feeling of Christmas so much. Maybe it always gave me a happy mood boost after a horrible work year. I don't know. But it was interesting.

I needed the mood boost, is what I am really saying. When I get stressed about things I cannot control I tend to get depressed. And maybe that is what is causing my immense fatigue as well. And promised myself I wouldn't think on anything stressful for the whole holiday break. Not any stray though would I allow to linger. I just need it to be a good relaxing holiday. 

So be like me. Chill with a good book. Drink some nog or Cocoa. Relax and watch movies or play video games and chill.

Relationship ponderings

paingry_The emotional state of anger caused by long term pain. And being in intense pain and damn angry about it..png

I should say when I am angry and in pain I do not take it out on my spouse. I just don't. I am angry I am in pain. I am short tempered with people who are morons. I get impatient at work with people who bicker about idiotic things. I get angry I have to work and be in so much pain. Which is better than depressed, which is far more frequent.

I was talking to my spouse about arguing. About what we don't do in arguments. As in we never say vicious things we would regret to each other. Not ever. Because you cannot take those things back. We were talking about how we lasted so long in our relationship. Got together when I was 20 and I am now 39. And how that is a bit surprising considering at a young age people change a great deal so many relationships don't last that long at that age. I mean what do you know at 20? Zip all.

And I said because I learned very early on you are very sensitive to the world choices I use. So I have always chosen my words very carefully so you don't feel like I am Personally hurting you, I told him. Because he is very defensive. I often have to phrase things like 'we should maybe do this because of this very valid non-personal reason'. He used to think I was angry at really weird things, or would be, so would lie about them. And I had to explain, that didn't make me angry and would never have made me angry, but lying about something so weird, sort of does.

And he said he knows he cannot tell me to do things. Like them me the house needs to be cleaned or I am not cleaning enough. Because I feel guilty.

I said yeah, if you saw into this head? It is all guilty, guilty, guilty about what I didn't do, couldn't do, should do more of. Why can't I? Should I force myself? And having someone external to me confirming I should feel bad about it makes me feel Horrible and usually spikes my depression. Like it is somehow this confirmation my self-worth is low for a reason... because I Do suck. I said to him I do all that to myself. I don't need the help. I have depression. I beat myself up all the time.

It is weird that way. What we say internally to ourselves. It isn't nice. It is high expectations when you think about it. It is healthy person standards. If we get the slightest confirmation then it is ten times worse. Because clearly it means it is true. That all that horrible stuff we have been saying to ourselves much be actually true. And then depression smacks into you big time.
Anyway, you pick up these nuances of what distresses each other. And you do not do them because no one wants to hurt their significant other.

And chronic health problems, that I have literally had since I have been with my common law spouse, create their own issues. It adds stress to a relationship. He was also telling me how he is glad that I am not working. That he knows it is better for me. And that, yes, the money issue is stressing him out, but as long as we have enough to exist on he is fine. That is but One issue that comes with health and relationships, but that one is a major one. Chronic illness often impacts income negatively.

Depression and medication


Psychiatrists Must Face Possibility That Medications Hurt More Than They Help
Antidepressants were the most common type of psychiatric drug in the survey, with 12 percent of adults reporting that they filled prescriptions for these drugs… In addition, 8.3 percent of adults were prescribed drugs from a group that included sedatives, hypnotics and anti-anxiety drugs, and 1.6 percent of adults were given antipsychotics.”

A 2013 study, Higgins writes, found that “the toll of mental disorders had grown in the past two decades, even as other serious conditions became more manageable.” He adds: “Suicide rates per 100,000 people have increased to a 30-year high. Substance abuse, particularly of opiates, has become epidemic. Disability awards for mental disorders have dramatically increased since 1980, and the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs is struggling to keep up with the surge in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”
I know since being put on Abilify that lack of wanting to kill myself is killing me. What a drag, eh? I mean the suicidal depression is just a phase. I am sure I'd survive it... well, not likely. Not if I had anything to do or say about it. That was rather the point.

Yep, I am missing those deep dark plummets into severe depressive episodes. Fighting with my brain as it insisted it had the perfect argument for why I should just die already. Good times. I can totally see why that med was not necessary at all.

Oh the sarcasm. But really, that medication makes my existence something worth living emotionally. Not that I also do not do therapy.

Maybe, just maybe, shrinks are diagnosing way too much. Maybe people those mental disorders are not actually problems but just normal every day stresses and situational depression that can be dealt with by dealing with the situation. Also remember in these stats that anti-depressants in particular are off-label for Many things including FM and chronic pain and even sleep. So yeah the numbers on them are massive. Especially now that opiates are evil... they will go up even more. They make me suicidal so I am on an antipsychotic usually prescribed to make anti-depressants work better in people with severe depression.

And you have to wonder if medication is the answer. When I was younger and depressed I was put on a medication, responded badly, went off of it... took a year off university and dealt with it myself. Recovered and went back to school. For this second bout I wasn't put on medication right away it was treatment with therapy for a few years. Not until my second suicide attempt did they realize I needed medication for it. Which I am thankful for. But in many cases, including my first depression, therapy would have been quite fine by itself. Pills are not always the answer to everything.

When medication is needed, it is bloody well needed. And we are damn thankful for its existence thank you very much. The difference is night and day.

5 Quick Tips About fibromyalgia


1: SLEEP: is vital. Therefore my tip is do not play around on the computer before bed or your smartphone. Get your brain all riled up with things and ideas and what ifs. No. Do things like read, in the quiet, dimly lit room snuggled in a blanket with a decaffeinated tea. Like a sleepy-time tea. Then right before bed, medicate for 10-20 minutes. Then go to bed. We need to wind our brains down. And then ease them into this whole sleep idea our brains clearly suck at. Not saying you shouldn't take your prescribed medication, just saying try these as well.

2:WALKABOUTS: The walkabout is pretty important for when you have to be somewhere where sitting is required. A family function, a work, function, school, or work. You can use excuses if you want but definitely get up and do a walk about for a few minutes. Walk around the office. Walk outside for a bit. Gets you moving those muscles that have begun to hurt from sitting down to long and also helps with mental fatigue, gets that brain kick started again and out of a fibro foggery.

3:SNACKS: Eat small meals throughout the day. Or basically have a bunch of snacks through the day. Keeps your blood sugar up. And it helps with Fibro FOG. Nuts are always a good choice.

4: MEDITATION: 20 minutes of meditation can help with stress and pain sensitivity. You can break that up with you want. Do different types to find which works for you, but it goes very well with any pain management plan.

5:EXERCISE: should be added to any pain management plan with FM. This can be going for short walks. Modified yoga. Stretches and physio exercises. Riding on a stationary bike, but starting slowly. Whichever you think would work for you, starting at a slow pace and increasing slowly as to not induce a flare.

Proof is in the pudding

Proof is in the pudding, as they say. My leave from work was declined due to lack of medical evidence. So I need to provide more 'evidence'.

I say the proof is in the facts. The very fact I have actually had migraines since I was 20 and chronic for most of that time. I have actually had leaves for this exact same thing. And a long term leave. And clearly substantial evidence for it. Clearly I have been unable to work. And I have over the decades done so many multiple treatments that I am considered intractable. Done them more than once. Mixed them together. Only an idiot would doubt the evidence at this point in time. I mean, really. If you simply look back in the records it is all laid out. Seriously, it is really ridiculous.

I get it. Insurance company. They don't like to pay money to people with actual disabilities. Sucks to be me, with a chronic pain condition that has gotten to the point of being unmanageable. Because it is chronic pain. You have to somehow prove that you have crossed that line from 'holy hell this is agony but I think I can somehow function a little bit' to 'holy hell I think I would rather just die'. It is a fine line. On one side, maybe you can manage part-time. On the other, yeah, work isn't feasible. Where is that nudge of proof though? Oh, yes, the suicide attempts might have been a slight indication the pain was getting the best of me. Hmm. Yes, that might be when I crossed that line. Maybe the depression alone might be a sign my pain is getting pretty complicated to deal with. I don't really think proof should be that I actually die. I don't think that seems all that logical to me. It made more sense to me to go on a leave when the suicidal ideation was getting to that peak point again and the pain was getting to that non-functional point, as evidence of my actual performance at work suggested. I don't think someone should have to die just to say 'told you that wasn't working. I couldn't handle the pain after all. There is your 'proof''. There really ought to be a line Before that line. Some sort of 'evidence' they will accept that says hey that person is Actually in a butt-load of actual pain that actually interferes with her Entire life, including her capacity to function at Any job.

I honestly do not know what they want for proof. I'll get my doc to send them the MRI that shows the lesions on my brain... which develop from having migraines a long time, chronic migraines and are prone with migraines with aura. It is proof of migraines, and chronic migraines at that. If they have the knowledge base to research it and know that. I will give them the neuro letters I have. I'll get the pain clinic to write up my current treatment. I'll get my doc to request something from my psychologist.

Fuck if I know if any of it will help. Proving pain is a damn hard thing to do. And it isn't just the migraines. It is the FM. The fatigue. The nausea. The goddamned depression.They are not separate. They all affect Me. They are all intertwined. I think my doc put me on leave from migraines but she should have put me on leave from Migraines, FM and depression. They all roll together to create serious problems. Depression being the obvious one. The more pain I am in, the more severely depression and suicidal I become. When I work I am in significantly more pain, so I get significantly more depressed with much more suicidal ideation. It is a problem.

Woe is me

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Yes, woe is me. For I am suffering the stomach flu, with a side of migraines and FM. I don't generally whine about the flu. I used to go into work with it because I needed my sick days for 9 migraines. And then I'd proceed to spread around the misery, but what can you do?

I actually am thinking of attaching a Lysol container to me and have it just spray everywhere I go so my spouse doesn't get sick. Because I have sneezed on everything... including all 3 cats. They were not impressed. At all.

everything hurts and I'm dying.gif

Let's face it though. When those of us with chronic illnesses get sick. We do it Masterfully. We win at sickness. For example, I have not left the house in a week. So where did I even get this? My immune system is so low I just got it from being. I have the immune system of a 110 year old who likes to take strolls in hospitals and get sneezed on. Plus we often have troubles sleeping... which lowers your immune system. A stressed body from our illness... lowers the immune system. So yeah we could walk by a sick person within ten feet and get whatever he had. Thanks random sick person!


It began with a stuffed nose. meh. Then couldn't sleep. Then I felt so cold. Next day. Fevers and chills. Fever and chills. All day long. Wearing two hoodies to just a t-shirt. As a stomach bug I had nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. I couldn't leave the house and I had already the day before when the nausea had kicked in consumed all the things I had in the house for nausea. All of it. Gone. So I called my mom and asked her to get me Gravol, a Canadian one for motion sickness, nausea and vertigo. And Pepto for the diarrhea. She came back with that and More. Zinc lozenges. Peppermint tea, which is great for nausea. Chicken noodle soup, which I have had now for supper twice now. Also an electrolyte replacement to help with the fact I was likely not doing so well being so sick... all the fluids I got in me were coming out as fast as they went in. She made me Set. I had a nest of meds on the couch, I was stuck on.

It was the nausea that was the worst of it. You see I have had migraine related nausea for over a year now. Every day. A massive issue. The flu kicked in and the nausea went to on a scale of 1 to 10 to a 10. If I coughed from my raspy cough I have going on I would also gag and want to throw up. And often did run to the bathroom and do just that. I could barely stand, since the nausea was worse and I felt dizzy and faint. Sitting was mildly better. Laying was the real way to go. But once I had meds. I took the daily amount of Gravol wishing I could take me. Daily amount of pepto. And that combo was helping just enough to keep the nausea at a 7.

So really my recommendation is don't get sick when you are sick. Since I got this flu my spouse went and got his flu shot. So I ought to as well once I am better. I am just so prone to these things. But I feel slightly better. The nausea is at a 7 and I am upright and on the computer... and no way in hell I could have done that earlier today. That is a good sign.

Getting sick when you are ill... we have to rest. We have to manage our illness as best we can. It will last longer and be a slower recovery if we do not manage it. Like I said I used to work through flues and colds. And they always lasted overly long. Chest cold lasted a month once. Flu... two weeks. So we have to take care of ourselves. Rest. Get fluids into us. Get simple foods like soup into us. Don't go to work, if possible. Take care of yourself as best as possible, because in general they tend to last longer and hit us harder. If we hunker down and take care, we can kick it faster. Easier to say than do, given life and obligations though.

Remembering discrimination at work


I managed to upset myself with a memory. I was reading an article about malicious gossip and how to deal with it. Pretty benign. And then I thought about times I have dealt with that in the office. Mostly hearing it, and trying to be neutral because I loathe malicious gossip so much. I really cannot stand people who indulge in it. Anyway, then I remember the time when I heard about it directed my way.

And the memory was like a punch to the gut. This sense of real sadness. Because it wasn't about Me, it was about me being chronically ill. So you'd think it wouldn't bother me. But of course it did because I am the sort of person who literally believes everything is my fault even when there is no humanly possible way it is my fault. So I feel ashamed for being ill when I have no reason to be. Guilty when I have no reason to be. And when people blame me for being ill, think I am slacking, am not in as much pain as Whatever... I feel ashamed I have chronic pain and am failing. I know, at the time, a lot of that shame came from my employer at the time who actually told me I was failing my co-workers, my customers and myself. And I Believed it. She actually also told me other employees were complaining to her about my missing work and having to pick up the slack, which everyone said wasn't true... but I believed that as well. Because the pain was Winning and I was sucking. I was failing. Who wouldn't think that I sucked?

I was mentally in a very bad place because of the pain. Not a good time to be giving me ultimatum and making me feel ashamed about the pain. The pain which I felt was out of control and I had completely lost all hope of every managing. So bad mental spot at that time. And it did rather go downhill.

So the advice in the column doesn't really apply or wouldn't for me at that time. Because we self-blame. We remember being healthy. A lot. And we feel so guilty we cannot function like that. So we push ourselves. A lot. And that makes things so, so much worse. Then we blame ourselves for that. We take any sign from Anyone that confirms this blame that we should in fact feel shame and blame and guilt. Then comes depression. But we think, well, we are depressed because of the pain. It is just normal. Who wouldn't be depressed? Who wouldn't feel utterly worthless?

I wish I could tell people who work with people with invisible disabilities what not to do and what to do. I wish I could have re-written that time. I would be in a lot better place if I had just said, stop, that is discrimination. Let's try working on ways to help me manage work, not ways to make work so much worse. I haven't been able to function since then. I suppose because the depression and pain got so much worse. The pain because of the stress. The depression because, of well all the negative thought processes I went through. Just got embedded in my head. Just the memory of it still makes me quite sad. Also angry, yes, obviously angry, but very sad. And I could have died from the suicide attempt that was the end result. I was lucky I didn't. That is the power of a bad work environment. One employer can just destroy your self-worth. And actually make you worse in the long run, ironically. All the things they tell you not to do for pain, are the things you end up doing. All the things that are very bad for a person mentally, are what the employer does, because they somehow think it is 'motivating'... like you are some lazy child who doesn't want to do their homework. I am aware I got substantially worse physically and mentally during that time. I am aware I am better off not being there...as in you literally could not Make me go back there Ever.

Much more difficult to fix the damage. My psychologist says I have a real issue with self-worth. Huh. Makes you wonder where I got that from. But, yeah, you have to believe what is shoveled at you. And I did. We tend to do that when we are chronically ill. I really wish employers had proper training. Maybe from someone with a disability themselves. I am quite ill now and can't work full-time or straight up hours, but I had quite a great manager recently. I was quite impressed there. And I wonder if it simply is that he is considerate, listens, non-biased and wants a functioning team in all respects? Not sure. But having someone come in and speak with management one on one, or in a group... seems logical to me. Hell, I'd do that (and hey, I could set my own schedule! lol). Because some of them seriously need it. They need to understand some things you simply Cannot say. Other things that should not be done. And ways you should approach things. It isn't rocket science. It is respect, it is motivation, it is helping them so they can be productive for you and taking care of how you phrase things.

I wish I could tell someone in the same situation I had been in. In survival mode. A lot of pain. Dealing with management like that. I wish I could tell them not to believe the things they hear from anyone especially management.That they should report it. Report it. Report it. Like I never did. Do it. Every damn time. And I would tell them you are chronically ill. It is not your fault. You did not cause it. You are not to blame for it. You have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. Ever. You are worthy and strong. Keep on doing what you are doing and ignore the rest. Remember to report.

I actually blogger about all of my time there. You have to back pretty far to see it. But yeah fun stuff.

Isolation in the Great White North

There is a difference between being alone and isolation. Sometimes we want to be alone. To recharge. We have to conserve our energy. Manage our fatigue. And being alone, isn't always lonely..png
I am going to tell you a secret. I am an introvert. It is true. I'd rather write on this blog than talk to anyone really. And I do not find this to be a problem. I like being an introvert. I think introversion is pretty awesome. I think a great deal about everything. I am introspective. Philosophical. Contemplative. Reserved. Reclusive. Hermit. All right so the last part seems to be the 'issue'. I have a lot of hobbies. And they all involve me and the indoors and not the outside world and people.
So what?

So my psychologist thinks isolation is a Big Deal to people with chronic illness who are not working (currently, as that is a work in progress, my leave that is) and isolation is a factor in depression.
And Winter is a Isolating factor in Canada.

I personally do not want to go out in This. As in, my back yard.

It is cold out there. It is windy and it is cold. And pain is worse when it is cold. And I want to hibernate all winter long. Is that so wrong? No, no it is not.

He suggested some sort of charity work that was the sort you could not have a rigid scheduled. I mentioned something online. He said, no real people. I mentioned those people at the SPCA that pet or walk animals. He said, No People. I don't think he quite grasps I don't like peoply places. That it isn't a necessary thing for me. That I have some socialization every month and that is okay by me.
I don't feel isolated. I am not lonely. I enjoy my hobbies immensely. I fail to see the problem to be honest. I think if I crave people I can just go be around them... like go to a cafe and bring my laptop with me. Or go for coffee with my mom and actually have some social time.

Also pain and fatigue. I was telling him how immensely fatigued I have been. Such that when I have an errand to run... I have been putting it off. By the by, my doc says that I should also exercise and get out of the house to help manage the fatigue. So far, not helping. Just more fatigued. It actually really makes this concept difficult. To do anything on any sort of schedule that is. When I feel any teeny bit of energy I do get those errands done and it drains me. I need to up my B12.

Anyway, point is isolation seems to be an internal thing. I have felt it in the past for sure. But right now I do not. I feel profound relief I am not working at the moment. Not isolated. Just profound, utter, relief I do not have to work in the pain I am in right now. And we all feel isolated somewhat in the winter, here and other bitterly cold tundras, because it is harder to get out and do things. So we do have to make some effort to find things to do outside of the house at least once a month.

I would love to just redirect you to the new site...

But sadly the redirect function doesn't function. I will continue to persist hitting it and see if it will eventually do something. Or s...