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Relationship ponderings

paingry_The emotional state of anger caused by long term pain. And being in intense pain and damn angry about it..png




I should say when I am angry and in pain I do not take it out on my spouse. I just don't. I am angry I am in pain. I am short tempered with people who are morons. I get impatient at work with people who bicker about idiotic things. I get angry I have to work and be in so much pain. Which is better than depressed, which is far more frequent.

I was talking to my spouse about arguing. About what we don't do in arguments. As in we never say vicious things we would regret to each other. Not ever. Because you cannot take those things back. We were talking about how we lasted so long in our relationship. Got together when I was 20 and I am now 39. And how that is a bit surprising considering at a young age people change a great deal so many relationships don't last that long at that age. I mean what do you know at 20? Zip all.

And I said because I learned very early on you are very sensitive to the world choices I use. So I have always chosen my words very carefully so you don't feel like I am Personally hurting you, I told him. Because he is very defensive. I often have to phrase things like 'we should maybe do this because of this very valid non-personal reason'. He used to think I was angry at really weird things, or would be, so would lie about them. And I had to explain, that didn't make me angry and would never have made me angry, but lying about something so weird, sort of does.

And he said he knows he cannot tell me to do things. Like them me the house needs to be cleaned or I am not cleaning enough. Because I feel guilty.

I said yeah, if you saw into this head? It is all guilty, guilty, guilty about what I didn't do, couldn't do, should do more of. Why can't I? Should I force myself? And having someone external to me confirming I should feel bad about it makes me feel Horrible and usually spikes my depression. Like it is somehow this confirmation my self-worth is low for a reason... because I Do suck. I said to him I do all that to myself. I don't need the help. I have depression. I beat myself up all the time.

It is weird that way. What we say internally to ourselves. It isn't nice. It is high expectations when you think about it. It is healthy person standards. If we get the slightest confirmation then it is ten times worse. Because clearly it means it is true. That all that horrible stuff we have been saying to ourselves much be actually true. And then depression smacks into you big time.
Anyway, you pick up these nuances of what distresses each other. And you do not do them because no one wants to hurt their significant other.

And chronic health problems, that I have literally had since I have been with my common law spouse, create their own issues. It adds stress to a relationship. He was also telling me how he is glad that I am not working. That he knows it is better for me. And that, yes, the money issue is stressing him out, but as long as we have enough to exist on he is fine. That is but One issue that comes with health and relationships, but that one is a major one. Chronic illness often impacts income negatively.
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