The sinkhole

in-darknessin-nightthoughtsplummetdowntheslipperyslope
I love my depression medication Abilify. Don't get me wrong, without it things would be a lot worse. And I know it because I lived it.

However, since my last letter from the insurance company I have been mentally unwell. Medication for depression doesn't poof the depression away. You still have symptoms there. Sort of like mild depression rather than major depression version. But I have been struggling lately. 

I do know it, though. In fact, when I read that letter and felt that mood plummet I contemplated calling my psychologist in that moment. Because of how I was thinking and how my thoughts were spiraling down that slippery slope. But I was very much aware of my thinking. Very much still logical about it. Not like I would have been if I hadn't been on medication. So I just wallowed in the emotion but maintained. It was a bad day.

It is the sinkhole of depression sucking you down. But at least you know it. And that is something, right? 

But it didn't get better. So now I think maybe I should have pushed up that psychologist appointment after all. I had been wallowing and missed an appointment and by doing so delayed making one. Finally did but it isn't until next month. My mistake. Because now my mood is significantly lower.
I have the lack of motivation. The fatigue. The wanting to hide in a hole until everything just goes away. 

But not fighting hasn't gotten me anywhere so I have to push that aside and get things done. So I will. One step at a time.

It is exhausting. The depression layered over the pain. It kills my desire to fight. Destroys my self-worth. 

Better though with medication. I'll keep saying that because it is true. Depression is like the ocean. It has depth. The deeper you go, the harder it is to surface. May cause suffocation. But you can tread water for some time and it is better than when you were drowning.
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