Skip to main content

Lack of reliability and disability

I can't work anymore. I feel so useless. And no longer productive to society. What value do I have_ Who am I now_.jpg
There is this lack of dependability and reliability that comes with being incapable of working. You prove it by trying and failing. Sometimes over and over again as I did. And failing and destroying your self-worth while you are at it. 

So you have to understand you can't do it. And you will the void in whatever way that you can. 

But some of us have no money to substitute the lost income. We are trying to find ways. Applying for disability. Or trying to find maybe something we can do from home... that we are not even sure we can do either, because we doubt it would be any different. We are stuck in limbo. Worried all the time about money. And what to do about it. And how to survive when we cannot work and we cannot survive not working.  We suffer financially and don't know what to do about it. I personally have doubts I can do any work at all given my lack of dependability and reliability due to the variable nature of migraines and fibromyalgia combined. And I don't want to fail again. That crushes me. But depending on the government known for moving very slow is hard to do... when you worry about next month and the month after that. 

It is the place many of us fall under. Cannot work. And waiting on some income source which we are not guaranteed so there is a massive amount of uncertainty in our future. I can't say it is easy for any of us. Sometimes, in the end, it doesn't work out either and we slip through the cracks in the system. Left to struggle to survive. 

We are the minority, the disabled, that few care about and there is so much stigma against us as well. We are struggling so hard to make an income that is hard to sustain oneself on Because we have failed at work, that we struggled to maintain anyway, but failed hard. We could not do it. No matter what we did. Even changing roles. Or going part-time. Nothing worked. We were not productive, functional, reliable or dependable. It is the last choice to go on disability, not the first, second or third. The last. And maybe a short-term plan until you think of something you can do. 

But the process. It can be brutally long. Or simple and short. And no one knows where they will fall. Or how they will live until that point. 

That uncertainty is brutal.
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Signs the pain is getting the best of you

100 Symptoms of Fibromyalgia

There was a site that had this and I had linked to it on Tumblr but it is gone. So I had to hunt down someone who found my post and posted the whole thing in a forum. Anyway it is around but I'm posting it here so I will not have to hunt it down to reference it. Now we all know the major symptoms are the wide-spread pain, but our pain isn't just muscle pain... it can be nerve types of pain as well, and the fatigue and the insomnia. And even among symptoms there are some far more frequent than others, but it should be said we have categories... like the cognitive dysfunction, which is a broad one that has more than one symptom and we often just say fibrofog. The insomnia... more than one sleeping disorder. So the list is interesting.

__ Fatigue, made worse by physical exertion or stress
__ Activity level decreased to less than 50% of pre-illness activity level
__ Recurrent flu-like illness
__ Sore throat
__ Hoarseness
__ Tender or swollen lymph nodes (glands), especiall…

When I say I am good

When people ask me how I am feeling 99% of the time I am lying. I often say 'not bad', because I feel it is slightly more honest than 'good' or 'fine'. Got sick of fine. Anyway, I lie for many reasons. 

I'm having a good pain day: They happen and I'll say that I'm good, fine, not bad. I even feel like I can accomplish great things... in moderation. In which case, relatively speaking, for Me I am not actually lying. This is a Good pain day, it is Not Bad for me and I am Fine with it. I just don't want to explain: I just don't want to explain how crappy I feel and in which way I mean. Because I am tired of it. I just want to deal with it, without having to discuss it, mention it or have any sympathy expressed about it. Because it can be complicated. It may be a migraine with specific symptoms. Maybe it is a FM flare though. Or both. And then I have to explain what it is because most people think my migraines are the main issue but I could be FM…